YabYuck: Banned Vuren by Joeseph Jaymes

joeseph jaymes 01by Chris Nunley
Staff Writer

“Hello. This is David Russell at Rolling Stone. I’ve just received MY copy of Banned Vuren …uhhh, by this local Phoenix, Arizona band called Joeseph Jaymes. This, MY friend…my FRIEND, is complete and utter shit! It’s bollocks. Why did you send it? I didn’t want to listen. I did. I thought, ‘FUCK! You know, nothing has balls here. Nothing’s got balls anymore. I might give this a listen and give it a chance.’ You sent a fucking funny little e-mail to me. Well IT IS shit, mate! It is fucking shit! I’ll see you in 5 fucking years. Good-bye!”

Ninety-eight. It took the fictitious David Russell 98 words to sum up his thoughts of the new Joeseph Jaymes album, Banned Vuren. This is just one of a handful of “voicemails” being used as a sort of narrative about rejection, failure, escapism and isolation throughout the album. It’s a boring gimmick that’s been used by artists from as far back as ELO, all the way to the Notorious B.I.G. Although humorous and one of the two highlights on the album, I must now devote a 300 word minimum to echo the exact same sentiments as our British basher of bollock-based buffoonery.

I’m including the first two paragraphs in that minimum…just an FYI.

From the cliché opening track “Intro” to the detuned guitars and wobbly vocals sounding like a cheap i.am.hologram rip-off on “Before I Could Swim”, my initial reaction is that this album probably sounds best if the listener were on shrooms grown from a steaming dung heap.

“Need A Ride” plays out like a stoner jam sesh, clocking in at 1:40 before our favorite critic gives his two cents worth to conclude the track. And it’s the same all the way through songs like “One Bird, Two Stones”, “Please Don’t, Blake…” and the lead off single “Big Bad Brother”. I’m going out for popcorn by this time.

That aforementioned second highlight comes in the transition from “Blake” into “Dick In The Dirt”. What sounds like a cracked-out Nicholas Cage rambling on about turning a baby into gold so someone can take care of their village or some shiz? I dunno. All I know is that it gave me a chuckle before being subjected to the remainder of this album.

“Doesn’t Matter” continues down the same dreary path, while “Low/High” breaks up the monotony briefly with a speedy jam before drifting into forgetfulness on “Flying Blind”.

Final thoughts? This album is perfect for those who wish to figure out better ways to surf their carpeted floors with a skim board. Or possibly as a soundtrack for that late night road trip to Vegas, only to realize that you forgot your phone with GPS and somehow ended up in Bisbee…

Whoa, duuuuuude.

~

Check out Banned Vuren by Joeseph Jaymes below and judge for yourself.

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